Food Coma

As many, many before me have done, I suffer from the constant torment of Post-prandial somnolence -- Commonly called "Food Coma." If you haven't experienced this disastrous condition consider yourself lucky. To what shall I compare the effects of food coma?

Think of your brain as a highly precise instrument (even if yours is not); like a surgeon's scalpel. Now, take that scalpel with it's infinitely sharp edge and point and walk out to the side walk, and grind down it's refined edge until it resembles a butter knife fallen into the garbage disposal.
Next, take the scalpel and run it over with a dump truck, so that the handle is bent and jagged.
To top it off, go swirl the toilet water of your favorite public restroom with the--now unrecognizable-- scalpel.
Give it back to the surgeon and ask them to perform any type of surgery. You will see that not only will they not be able to perform but they will also irrevocably contaminate anything that has been touched by the scalpel.

I kid you not, whenever it decides to kick in, my brain no longer functions. It is as if someone opened up my scalp and poured gravy all over it. My vision gets blurry, I can't think straight and I feel as though I would murder someone for a cot and pillow. Just think Kevin James' impression of himself after eating a Big-Mac.

If you would like to experience my pain simply follow these rules:

1. Get less than adequate sleep
2. Eat a moderate to large lunch with lots of carbohydrates.
3. Sit back and wait for your productivity and IQ to plummet.

I sincerely hope that you are not one of the throng of people who suffer under the affliction but if you are just think..."At least Jonathan gets it worse!"


Now time for Q&A

Q: Since you seem to be an expert on "Food Coma" how can we recognize the signs of Post-prandial somnolence in others?
A: Two things should give away: 1) A blank or spacey look on their face combined with slow verbal and physical response to stimulae 2) Excesses of drool--beyond any normal drooling the subject might be prone to.

Q: Ok, now I'm scared of becoming a brainless zombie! What can I do to prevent this from happening to me?
A: Now, don't freak out...Usually the condition only lasts for about an hour or two. So, even if you do fall pray, you may still survive to live a long and productive life...maybe. To completely avoid the situation I would suggest not eating. Yes, thats right. Don't eat.

Q: Wait a second, how can you--the lover of all things edible--recommend that as a course of action?
A: Well, I didn't say that I actually follow my own advice. You will find that people all across the globe know of this solution but choose not to take it.

Q: But Why?
A: The bottom line is, people are weak. They love food, and they have very bad memories. When I see a nice juicy hamburger in front on me I am not thinking about how I will not be able to function afterward--no, I am thinking about how good it is going to taste; about how crunchy the pickles, how sweet the tomatoes...

Q: Where are you going?
A: Check your watch! It's lunch time...